One Month

Categories: Cecilia , mommyhood |

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Dear Cecilia,

Congratulations! You’ve been in this world an entire month. It’s been both challenging and rewarding, and everyday has been a new experience for both of us. Part of me feels like you’ve always been here and the other part feels like everything is still so new. I’ve enjoyed introducing you to your new world as I learn about you and our new life together.

I admit our first few days together were a struggle as we mastered breastfeeding. There were lots of tears on my behalf and quite a bit of crying from you too. Our first trip out was to the lactation consultant where we learned our difficulties were anatomy related. Despite my cracked, bleeding, blistered nipples, you had regained and passed your birth weight just three days after you were born. I think this speaks volumes of my dedication and love for you and my willingness to sacrifice my own comfort for your well being.

Since that day, breastfeeding has become a little easier, but I feel like we missed out on some initial bonding time. I’ve been trying to make up for that with other activities like sleeping skin to skin during our naps on the sofa. I love holding you and feeling your little chest rise and fall with each breath you take. I love how you inch closer to me and share body heat. It makes me feel very special to be your momma.

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Unfortunately, the downside to co-sleeping is that you don’t like to be away from me and I can no longer sleep away from you. Secretly I love your attachment to me, but I do wish you’d like daddy a little more, especially when I need to use the bathroom or need a shower. These past few days you’ve really developed sass to your personality, and with that comes a blood curdling scream that makes it difficult to enjoy a hot shower. I know a day will come when you’ll prefer your daddy over me, and I’m going to try to remember the inconvenient wails of anger that accompany your current preference for your momma. I’ll try to focus on that instead of being upset, but I know it will still hurt.

You’ve been much more alert these last two weeks. This has deprived us of our afternoon naps but has given me the opportunity to get to know you and your personality better. A day or two into this awareness, it occurred to me that I need to parent you with great intention and purpose, and this is a responsibility that is on-going and constant. It doesn’t suddenly begin when I realize you’ve become cognitively developed and able to retain memories. From that moment on, I’ve talked to you more, sang to you, and read to you. I’m also making a point to tell you that I love you every day.

Truthfully, the word “love” does not fully explain the emotions I feel towards you. You’re the result of your parents loving one another, which is a very strong relationship, and sometimes I look at you and I’m overcome by the perfectness of your existence. It is my hope that I raise you with that perfect existence in mind and with tremendous, unending love.

Love,

Momma

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