Learning Thru Imitation = Bad

Categories: Work in Progress |

Like many girls, I suffer from TLCitis. Most common in women between the ages of 16 and 25, TLCitis is an undeniable desire to watch several consecutive hours of The Learning Channel’s original programming, such as What Not to Wear, The Baby Story, The Wedding Story, and Flip That House. The influence of these shows convinces the viewer that they, too, should take on the same projects of the featured individual. These “projects” include personal decisions, e.g. marriage, parenthood, and homeownership. Due to middling programming available on other stations, there is currently no know treatment or cure for TLCitis.

In all sincerity, I really do suffer from TLC’s influences and the indomitable does too, though indirectly. The Wedding Story had a lot to do with me rushing into my first marriage. I had spent four years faithfully watching the show, starting at the residential high school I attended. I vividly remember congregating around the lounge TV with all the girls from my floor. There are few things more frightening than six to ten hormonal teenage girls drooling over fluffy white wedding dresses.

By the time I was 20, I found someone who thought he wanted to marry me, and I wanted to get married. He proposed, and I was ready. Years of watching The Wedding Story made this an old hat. I had been training for the marathon and was ready to run. The only problem is that they don’t show what happens afterward. TLC has a show called Bring Home Baby, which seems like an expansion to The Baby Story. It shows what happens the first few days after new parents bring their baby home. TLC does not have a show called Bring Home Crabby Spouse. I think they should follow newlyweds for the first week they come home after their honeymoon. There’s a reason for the clichéd saying, “The honeymoon’s over.” After spending a week with someone in paradise and never leaving their side, there is a big reality check once you get home. I also would like to propose a show called, The Long Time-Consuming Road to Divorce. Not so much a court TV, it should show the difficult and expensive process of getting divorced. I think this might scare some people away from marriage, which could be a good thing.

Needless to say, my experience with my first marriage cured my addiction to The Wedding Story. I’ve moved onto something that I’ve never desired before, The Baby Story. I’m not sure what happened to me, but the day I held my friend MaryEtta’s baby, my maternal clock started flashing, vibrating, and ringing all at the same time. I starting crying every time I see one of those cottage cheese covering, pink, mewing buddle of pooping joy come out of a featured woman. Yes, I do get intimidated when viewing these poor ladies whose bodies have been stretched to its limit, especially when they start mooing with pain. I’m scared the most when I see people give birth to a litter of children. Honestly, a state health inspector should regulate and enforce maximum capacity for stuff like that. Women who size 2 should not give birth to three children at one time. There has to be codes on that.

Since having a baby requires two people and it’s not something I want the indomitable to commit to only because I convince him, right now I’m harassing him about buying a house. It’s something we’ll be doing in the coming year, but with the upcoming wedding, now is not the right time financially. Despite knowing this, I still drive him crazy by scanning Nashville real estate web listings, hoping to find an awesome deal he can’t pass up. Several times a week I show him the jewels that I find. However, I use the term jewel loosely. Because of Flip That House, I look for houses that need work. Do I want a newly upgraded kitchen with fancy appliances? No! I want an ugly kitchen with 70s décor and a crappy fridge. Do I know how to install a ceiling fan, or anything else for that matter? No! But TLC makes it look so easy. Of course I ignore the segment of the story that shows how the couple went way over budget. I’m too busy fantasizing and harassing the indomitable.

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