Single Stall of Paranoia

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This may only apply to women.  There’s probably a small percentage of men that poop in public with a slight bit of shame.  (Though I’ve never met a dude that feels shame about the excessive amount of time they spend stinking up the place, but I digress.)

I havea hierarchy of desirable public restrooms. Starting from the top: 1. Small, clean single holers. 2. Large, clean multi-stalls (often with automated awesomeness found in airports). 3. Medium sized with several stalls.  (These usually have a weird metallic smell and are found in craft stores or home improvement stores.) 4. Large single holers. 5. Any disgusting bathrooms, especially those that look like the inside of a hookers vagina.

Why the hate for large single stations? The space between the door and the toilet.  They always have locks on the door.  Not the awesome, reassuring latch.  Door locks.  I lock the door, huff the distance to the toilet, lower my pants, start to sit, and then feel paranoid that it’s not really locked.  I proceed to do the pants penguin shuffle back to the door.  Unlock it and lock to reassure myself that it is locked.  Shuffle back, sit down, and then have to convince my bladder to release it’s liquids.  Ugh…. pause…. Dammit bladder. Don’t be shy!  When I finally get things started, I try to push that pee out as fast as possible. So fast.  Like I turned the faucet on full blast.  Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. This is my longest pee ever.  What are you doing, bladder? Emptying the entire Route 44 Diet Cherry Coke Zero that we drank 20 minutes ago? HURRY the F up!

Speaking of push pee out fast - did you know that can cause you a UTI? Well, I read that once, but now I can’t find any information so maybe it’s bullshit.  But I think about that every time I’m in a single bathroom, and I’m peeing like I’m trying to put out a fire.

If you’re a restaurant owner (they’re always in restaurants, aren’t they), please put a latch on your single toilet potty room.  You can probably skip it in the men’s though.  They’re proud of their stink.