Gassy Girl, Part I

Categories: college | 2 Comments

For months now I’ve been planning to post about my tumultuous lifelong relationship with flatulence.  And as Lucy lies next to me sleeping and farting, it reminds me of one particularly horrifying day during my freshman year of college.

My freshman year was tough.  I entered school with an out-of-state boyfriend which distracted me from the task of making friends.  I spent the first three months driving to see him every weekend, but by late October, my road trip funds were depleted.  I had to get a job.  Unfortunately, by December, we broke up because he had cheated on me with some hoochie working at Victoria’s Secret.

Missing the window of opportunity to make nice with people on campus, I focused my attention on my fellow mall workers.  If you’ve ever worked in a mall, you’re familiar with the mall culture.  It is much like a small town-everyone knows where you work, who you hang out with, and if your boss is gay.  I’m not exactly sure how this gets spread, but I’m convinced it’s related to the security guards that circulate from store to store.  One of the people I met through the mall was Adam.

Adam was  cute.  He wore glasses, was nerd-chic, and was three years older.  Best of all, he lived in Arkansas prior to moving to our city.  I was really into Adam, and I thought he was rather into me.   We hung out pretty often, usually with mutual friends.

Then one night he invited me over to watch movies.  He lived with his parents, who were the campus missionaries at my school, but they were out of town at a conference.  When I arrived, we ate dinner and then sat down to watch the film. Adam was in a recliner and I laid down on the sofa. 

Things were going well.  I wasn’t ready to just start a physical relationship so I was thankful for the distance.  However, the movie wasn’t that interesting and I started to doze off.  I guess I feel into a deep sleep because my body completely relaxed and then “PPPPFFFTTTT.” I farted. I farted and it was loud.  It was so loud that it woke me up.  However, I wasn’t 100% that I didn’t dream it so I didn’t say anything.  Oddly, Adam didn’t say anything either. In fact, we didn’t say much to each other for the rest of the night.

By the time I performed my own version of the walk-of-shame across campus to my dorm, I knew that it wasn’t a dream.  I didn’t really wonder why he never called me again.  The answer  to that question is blowing in the wind. 

Who’s Training Whom?

Categories: Lucy | No Comments

Today Lucy has followed me from room to room with her hot pink rubber ball in her mouth. I’ve been so engrossed in house cleaning and laundry that I probably wouldn’t have noticed her except she has rhythmically squeezed it with her jowls, resulting in a constant, “Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.”  I imagine this is the puppy version of a toddler saying, “Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.”

Wisconsin Dog

Categories: Lucy | No Comments

Since we began lessons with our dog trainer, we’ve been indulging Lucy in a lot of “meat treats”. Basically they are doggie jerkies that are made from various animals like venison, salmon, beef, etc. They look and somewhat smell like human jerky. (That is, jerky made for humans not from humans.) During one lesson, the trainer gave Lucy string cheese while teaching her to loose leash walk. This actually turned a bit sour when Lucy managed to grab the entire package and inhale most of the cheese and part of the wrapper. The trainer had only intended on giving her a little nibble.

Ever since then she has keenly tracked cheese and tonight was no exception. I had cut myself a few pieces of Parmesan. I walked into the living room to find my puppy intently staring at me, licking her lips, and wagging her tail. She began following me room to room. While growing up with cats, I learned never to give them table scraps. Felines have a much different approach to capturing human grade goodies. They like to weave around, in and out, and through your legs while meowing non-stop in hopes that they will trip you and steal your food while your down. Though I am a self proclaimed cat-person, I will readily admit that they are selfish, conniving beasts. Lucy, on the other hand, has learned that good behavior and tricks earn her treats. She presented herself as a mannered shadow.

I gave in and gave her a very minute piece. Anything more and I was guaranteed a gassy dog, and there is only room for one bloated bitch in this house. Her small treat, however, only resulted in more tail wagging and lip licking. Somehow I think she sees me like this:


Not a Square to Spare

Categories: green living | 1 Comment

I realized that I’ve had an unexplained absence lately, and since I don’t answer to you, I’m not going to tell you why. Well, actually, it’s because I’m lazy. In fact, so lazy that I cannot think of a better excuse. As a peace treaty, I offer a post about one of my favorite subjects, poopin’. Or at least it’s related to the act of poopin, unless you are in the woods without any non-leaf resources. You might have already guessed, the topic is toilet paper, or as I lovingly call it, Crapper Paper.

In an effort to cut down our waste, I’ve been removing excess paper products from our household. When cleaning the kitchen, I’ve been using reusable sponges. (And thanks to this tip, I know that I can do this without spreading bacteria.) Also, we use cloth towels to dry our hands, and cloth napkins at mealtime. The only exception I make to this rule is when I’m dealing with raw chicken. Do not confuse my avoidance with paper products as a hatred. I truly believe there is a time and place for them.

One such place is by the toilet. TP is a necessary evil. Did you know that toilet paper is made from virgin fiber? None of the leading manufacturers use recycled paper to make their bathroom tissue. Per the execs at Kimberly-Clark, consumers want virgin fibers because it provides ultimate softness. Seventh Generation, one of my favorite earth friendly household goods manufacturers, claims that 424,000 trees would be saved in a single year if every U.S. household would replace a 500-sheet roll of virgin fiber toilet paper with a recycled version.
Another factor to keep in mind is the amount of bleach that is used to make that virgin paper white. Trees are not colorless. Do you think your Crapper Paper should be? It’s really disturbing to think about all the bleach, ink, dyes, and fragrances that are put into a product that touches your most delicate areas.

With this all said, I know the difficult of buying eco-friendly paper products. It’s extremely difficult to find locally, and it can be rather expensive. Sure you can buy it off of, but that requires planning ahead. Let’s face it, TP is one of those things you often run out and buy when you disparately need it. No one wants to holler to their house mate for a new roll and discover that they’re logging into their Amazon account.

However, Publix, one of the greatest grocery stores of all time, has started a “GreenWise” line. Throughout their stores, they have several Publix’s branded earth friendly products. These range from meats from animals on a pure vegetarian diet to organic canned veggies to fresh fruits. Today I was very happy to discover that they had their own GreenWise Double Roll Bathroom Tissue. It’s made from 100% recycled paper with no inks, dyes, or fragrances. At $2.19 for a 4-pack, it also features a reasonable price.

I gave it a test run when I got home. It is not as soft as Charmin, but it doesn’t put off the dizzying amount of lint that Charmin provides. Overall, I’m pleased and I’ll unquestionably buy it again. Plus I really can’t feel justified in chopping down new trees just so I can wipe feces on them. That really goes against my tree hugger mentality. (Another advantage is that the green TP people don’t put out creepy commercials.)