Hello Spring!

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flower

It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

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I knew it was Monday because I was almost run off the road by a crazy guy with road rage, flashing his lights at me. Personally, I don’t think his repeated saluting with his middle finger was justified; I was going five miles over the speed limit. (Literally, it was like saluting. He did it three times, paused, and another two times. Or he’s one of those rave kids and was practicing his moves for the discotheque.)

I still enjoyed my usual large cup of coffee and bottle of water on my commute. After my first class, I was aching for a potty. I located the nearest ladies room and chose my stall. After finishing my business, I reached for the toilet paper roll. It was on my right side and was attached via a lock hinge. You know the kind, the ones you have to fight with when you’re trying to steal paper from cheap fast food restaurants before T.P.-ing your nemesis’s house. Well, it wasn’t latched. And I guess I’ve been working out too much with the indomitable because when I reached for it, it shot across the bathroom floor, rolled over my stall neighbor’s feet, and hit the wall that was ten feet away. Not only did it fly with amazing speed, it managed to stay intact. I was left with about ten squares in my hand and a train that provided tissue for over half the bathroom, right at their feet.

I chuckled for a few minutes afterward. Then I heard my neighbor flush and begin washing her hands. I waited a few seconds for her to finish and leave, but she was a good little washer and was scrubbing, hard. So I convinced myself that it was okay and that I wasn’t embarrassed (even though I really was). I wrap up my visit, pull up my pants, flush the toilet, and exited. I was greeted by my neighbor with my toilet paper roll in hand. She looked at me and said, “Nice Shot,” and placed the roll back in my stall.

Like Eating Glue

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This book was wwritten by a Mom that was trying to make, “No! Stop it! You little BITCH!” seem a little cooler.


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Free Sample

I have an addiction to free samples. There is a plastic bin in my bathroom full of single serving shampoo, mouthwash, lubricant, deodorant, hair ties, moisturizer, arthritis medicine, baby powder and shampoo, and condoms. The list could go on, but you get the gist. I justify my collect by claiming that free samples make for good travel toiletries. However, hotels generally provide more than enough shampoo and lotion. Despite my collection, I usually hold on to those too, and even steal more off the unattended cleaning carts in the hall.

My relationship with samples started early. My mom, being a social worker, has to frequently travel for continued learning workshops. She always came back with the soap from the hotel, and those little bars filled a huge glass jar under my bathroom sink. I remember playing with those soaps, rearranging them, noticing the variation. (Remember, I grew up in Arkansas. Playing with soap is way more fun than playing with sticks.)

The story continued in high school. At my residential school, the postman would drop off all the mail and student workers would fill the individual mailboxes. I found great pleasure sending free samples to my friend Ray, who was a male. It was a challenge for me to top the samples from the week prior. He got exciting items ranging from tampons to vaginal lubricant. However, nothing topped the gigantic incontinence underwear.

Now it continues today. When the indomitable and I legally held separate addresses, I would send mail-order samples to both residences. Now I’m down to just one. Luckily I have access to lots places with a vast variety. At the YMCA, they have fitness related samples, like the stay-put hair ties. At the university, they provide feminine based products, like razors. And online, you can get a huge assortment, from vitamins to condoms. Right now walmart.com has adult diapers available. Even though I don’t need them, they’re free! So I must have them!

The Gift of Freedom

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Being the trailblazer, I am the only person in my group of friends that is divorced. However, when that day happens to one of them (not that I’m hoping for it), I will be prepared with emancipation gifts, including the following:


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It’s available at Overstock.com

Best Viewed Large

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bee tree

Richard Hoover, You’re My Hero

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During the past few days, the indomitable and I have enjoyed the company of our friend, Hoover. He’s a grip and recently moved to New Orleans to film a cheesy made for TV movie. I’m going to miss Hoover. In honor of him, a script of our first conversation after someone had introduced him as Hoover.

sleepingKelly: “Hoover, what’s your first name?”
Hoover: “Richard.”
sleepingKelly: “Hoover it is!”

Hoover

The Black Knight Always Triumphs!

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horse

Titillating the Taste Buds

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The indomitable and I have been planning on a romantic dinner ever since I got stranded in DC over Valentine’s Day. (I tried to fly jetBlue.) I decided to cook him a deliciously unhealthy dinner last night to celebrate his new job. I made cedar planted garlic dill salmon, avocado and strawberry salad, broccoli with almonds, and a sexy tart dessert. Everything turned out great, even in spite of me setting the cedar planks on fire twice. The tarts were sensual and delectable. I know that it seems odd to describe food as in terms of intimate activities, but trust me, they qualify. In addition to being erotic, they were easy (like all sexy tarts should be).

sexy dessert

Here’s the recipe:

One container of Cool Whip
One Jar of Lemon Curd
Waffle Cups (with the ice cream cones)
Berries
Chocolate Sauce for Drizzling

Fold the lemon curd into the cool whip. Do not stir because it will make your whip go flat. (There is nothing sexy about flaccid whip.) Place equal amounts of whip into the waffle cups. Cover with berries. Drizzle with chocolate sauce. Voila!

They were so good that we ate the extra ones for breakfast.

Weekly Wisdom from Dr. Advice

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One of my favorite professors teaches my Sociology of Family course. I get to start my school day by attending his class at 8 o’clock in the morning. Though I’ve had some people tell me they have a hard time staying awake in his class, I find it no struggle. I’ve decided to share his wisdom with you, my internet audience.

“I want to encourage smoking. Those of you who don’t smoke should start. The new proposed cigarette tax is to fund education. Everyone should smoke.”