Next We’re Going to Crush and Snort Them

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Several months ago, I purchased pizzelle cookies from Kroger. I was initially drawn to the lemon flavor because my friend Korbie got me addicted to lemon cookies. Short after the first purchase, the indomitable and I became addicted and bought the vanilla, the only other variety offered at our grocery store. They are only 23 calories a wafer and have a crispy texture and a waffle cone flavor. Also, the wafers are too big to shove an entire one into your mouth and too hard to swallow whole. You’re forced to savor the tasty treat.

Then something happened and our Kroger stopped carrying them. We began to wander the organic/gourmet foods section every time we went to the store. It was heartbreaking. The indomitable tried to find them on the internet so he could order them in bulk, but we could not remember the brand name. I imagine this is what crack addicts feel like when their dealer goes to prison. We longed for more.

On Sunday night, the indomitable and I went to the west side of town to have dinner at our friend Lolly’s house. She is pregnant and due in May. Since we couldn’t bring the typical hostess gift of wine, I suggested we stop by Walgreens and pick up diapers. By a twist of fate, all the pharmacies were closed, and we were forced to stop at Kroger. Without telling the other, we both looked for the pizzelle cookies. Suddenly we saw them and began running to the stand. We loaded up and carried away five containers.

I can only imagine what the other customers were thinking upon seeing two people carrying diapers, pickles, and ice cream running to a stand of cookies. Also, I think it’s worthy to mention that the indomitable had toothpaste in his hair.


Daily Digestion 2.27.7

Pizzelle Cookies.

The Science of Women

Categories: Picklings | 1 Comment

Yesterday I attended my annual visit to the lady doctor. Don’t worry; I’m not going to get into the intimate details of the exam! But I do have some questions to ask you, even the fellas. First, how much urine should you pee into the cup? Sometimes the clinic provides a line to guide you to a goal. This office did not. It was a free range specimen collector. Thankfully, I needed to pee, and I provided them with about 6 ounces of urine. Later that afternoon, I asked the indomitable this same question, and he informed me that I was too generous. As with all aspect of my life, I’m an overachiever.

Second question, when do you get undressed? Do you do it after the nurses leaves prior to the doctor coming in or is the doctor suppose to visit with you before you get naked? I usually assume the latter, but I’ve had a doctor act like he was caught off guard because I was clothed.

Once you get undressed, do you hide your underwear? I methodically remove clothes, fold them neatly and place them in the chair, and tuck my underwear out of sight. I’m not sure why I want to conceal my dainties. I don’t want the lady doctor to think I’m a slutty girl who doesn’t wear skivvies. And it’s pretty safe to assume that she wears underwear.

Also, do you look away during the breast exam? I was speaking to her while she checked the ladies for cancer, but I avoided looking at her. In fact, our eyes connected for a split second and I completely freaked out.

My final question, why hasn’t the healthcare industry found a better way to show women where to sit on the table? Every woman is familiar with having to scoot down the table as the paper crinkles under their butt. I once had a doctor tell me to move down like “your bottom is going to shake my hand.”

Daily Digestion 2.23.7

Dates and Veggie Chips.

God Grows the Tomatoes in His Garden in Heaven

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I love food. I love food so much that I even eat in my sleep. Everyone seems to think that I either never eat or can eat whatever I want without gaining a pound. This is not true. I watch what I eat carefully and work out daily. Whenever sleepingKelly has an episode, I reduce my calories to compensate. Regardless to my calorie counting, I do derive pleasure in taste. I’m always striving to find a new, better, nutritious food. Last night, I wanted tomato soup, and the indomitable said that Pacific Natural Foods’ Roasted Red Pepper and Tomato looked good. I am a little standoffish towards bell peppers and extremely turned off by fake pepper taste. However, I’m glad I decided to give in to the indomitable’s request. It was fantastic! I can’t pinpoint the flavor, but it does not remind me of peppers. It’s not spicy. In fact, there is something extremely pure about it. I going to keep a steady supply in my cupboard for rainy days and gluttonous days.


Junk Yard

Categories: Picklings | 1 Comment

For Valentine’s Day, the indomitable surprised me by having satellite radio installed in my car while I was in DC. In addition to the remarkable 120+ channels of uninterrupted radio, he cleaned my car. I bought my Alero five years ago when I was 19. It has been one of few stable aspects of my life. During some phases of my life, I practically lived out of my car, especially while working full time and maintaining a full course load. I have developed an unusual collection of crap in my car over the years. I can only imagine the reactions of the indomitable when in stumbled on some of these things: tweezers, ammo box, used target, an expired Arkansas driver’s license, Jack Daniels flavored sunflower seeds, and a never ending supply of water bottles.

I have a great explanation for almost all of these items:
Tweezers: The sun provides the best lighting so I pluck my eyebrows in the car.
Ammo box: It was my dad’s. He gave it to me when I got my first car so I had a place to store tools. He thought I might need the tools to do car repairs if I were ever stranded on the road. However, the tools are now missing.
Used target: It is left over from the first time I shot a gun. I had pretty good aim, and I wanted to keep it as a memento.
Arkansas driver’s license: I have no idea how I acquired it, but I vaguely remember the girl in the picture. (It’s not me.)
Jack Daniels flavored sunflower seeds: I bought these on the way back from Arkansas last Memorial Day. I still eat them occasionally when I get bored. I hadn’t thrown them out because I didn’t know if I’d ever find them again.
Water bottles: I try to drink a bottle of water every morning on the way to work or school. I’m usually crabby in the morning so stopping at the gas station every day isn’t an option. Instead I keep about 6-15 bottles in the back seat, which inadvertently gets filled with empty bottles afterward.

If a stranger cleaned your car, what unusual things would she find? How do you explain them?

Daily Digestion 2.20.7

Half a Box of Special K Red Berries.

I’ve avoided purchasing Special K for almost a year now because, when I buy it, inevitably I wake up on the sofa covered in little crunchy flakes. However, I though she’d moved out of the cereal killer phased and I took a chance.

Mountain Climbing

Categories: Picklings | 1 Comment

I’m off to Capital Hill today to tell my personal relationship with Parkinson’s Disease. I’m a little intimidated, but Jon Stewart helps put some of it in perspective.

Daily Digestion 2.12.7 & 2.13.7

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Granola Bars.

Learning Thru Imitation = Bad

Like many girls, I suffer from TLCitis. Most common in women between the ages of 16 and 25, TLCitis is an undeniable desire to watch several consecutive hours of The Learning Channel’s original programming, such as What Not to Wear, The Baby Story, The Wedding Story, and Flip That House. The influence of these shows convinces the viewer that they, too, should take on the same projects of the featured individual. These “projects” include personal decisions, e.g. marriage, parenthood, and homeownership. Due to middling programming available on other stations, there is currently no know treatment or cure for TLCitis.

In all sincerity, I really do suffer from TLC’s influences and the indomitable does too, though indirectly. The Wedding Story had a lot to do with me rushing into my first marriage. I had spent four years faithfully watching the show, starting at the residential high school I attended. I vividly remember congregating around the lounge TV with all the girls from my floor. There are few things more frightening than six to ten hormonal teenage girls drooling over fluffy white wedding dresses.

By the time I was 20, I found someone who thought he wanted to marry me, and I wanted to get married. He proposed, and I was ready. Years of watching The Wedding Story made this an old hat. I had been training for the marathon and was ready to run. The only problem is that they don’t show what happens afterward. TLC has a show called Bring Home Baby, which seems like an expansion to The Baby Story. It shows what happens the first few days after new parents bring their baby home. TLC does not have a show called Bring Home Crabby Spouse. I think they should follow newlyweds for the first week they come home after their honeymoon. There’s a reason for the clichéd saying, “The honeymoon’s over.” After spending a week with someone in paradise and never leaving their side, there is a big reality check once you get home. I also would like to propose a show called, The Long Time-Consuming Road to Divorce. Not so much a court TV, it should show the difficult and expensive process of getting divorced. I think this might scare some people away from marriage, which could be a good thing.

Needless to say, my experience with my first marriage cured my addiction to The Wedding Story. I’ve moved onto something that I’ve never desired before, The Baby Story. I’m not sure what happened to me, but the day I held my friend MaryEtta’s baby, my maternal clock started flashing, vibrating, and ringing all at the same time. I starting crying every time I see one of those cottage cheese covering, pink, mewing buddle of pooping joy come out of a featured woman. Yes, I do get intimidated when viewing these poor ladies whose bodies have been stretched to its limit, especially when they start mooing with pain. I’m scared the most when I see people give birth to a litter of children. Honestly, a state health inspector should regulate and enforce maximum capacity for stuff like that. Women who size 2 should not give birth to three children at one time. There has to be codes on that.

Since having a baby requires two people and it’s not something I want the indomitable to commit to only because I convince him, right now I’m harassing him about buying a house. It’s something we’ll be doing in the coming year, but with the upcoming wedding, now is not the right time financially. Despite knowing this, I still drive him crazy by scanning Nashville real estate web listings, hoping to find an awesome deal he can’t pass up. Several times a week I show him the jewels that I find. However, I use the term jewel loosely. Because of Flip That House, I look for houses that need work. Do I want a newly upgraded kitchen with fancy appliances? No! I want an ugly kitchen with 70s décor and a crappy fridge. Do I know how to install a ceiling fan, or anything else for that matter? No! But TLC makes it look so easy. Of course I ignore the segment of the story that shows how the couple went way over budget. I’m too busy fantasizing and harassing the indomitable.