White Trash Christmas Necessities

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They were cheese filled and delicious.

Pigs in a Blanket

New Years Resolutions

I want to better myself (but obviously not through dedication to my job since this was on our office communicator).

Baker Kelly [1:35 PM]:
i’ve decided i’m going to stop cursing
Hefley Chris [1:35 PM]:
noooo
Hefley Chris [1:35 PM]:
dont do that
Baker Kelly [1:35 PM]:
well, not for a noble cause or anything
Baker Kelly [1:35 PM]:
not for jesus
Hefley Chris [1:36 PM]:
what for, then?
Baker Kelly [1:36 PM]:
my mom use to say “cussing is for people who aren’t smart enough to have a better vocabulary” or something like that. I’m sure it was more eloquent.
Hefley Chris [1:36 PM]:
that’s bullshit
Baker Kelly [1:36 PM]:
mom has a pretty nice vocabulary
Baker Kelly [1:36 PM]:
well, i think i cuss too much
Hefley Chris [1:36 PM]:
that’s like saying that salt is for food that wasn’t prepared well enough
Baker Kelly [1:36 PM]:
and very poorly
Hefley Chris [1:36 PM]:
or that all spices are bad
Hefley Chris [1:36 PM]:
cussing is valuable
Baker Kelly [1:36 PM]:
misusing phrases
Baker Kelly [1:37 PM]:
and i want to work on bettering my knowledge of words
Baker Kelly [1:37 PM]:
and stuff
Baker Kelly [1:37 PM]:
besides, it’s not very lady-like and I need to balance all the farting and burping
Hefley Chris [1:37 PM]:
sigh
Baker Kelly [1:38 PM]:
well, i can’t control the amount of gas that expels from my body

Flora Ejaculation

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12.18 002

Today’s Relish

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This morning I started using white stripes on my teeth. I promptly followed the thirty minute treatment with 18 oz of black coffee.

After an eight year respite, I have finally recovered from the trauma of “Hand in My Pocket” repeating in my head for days at a time. I’m ready to let Alanis back into my life in very small doses.

I got my semester grades. Even though I’m sad that I got my first B in years, my grades do spell out, “BAAAA,” like a sheep.

Since I’m not much of a drinker, I’ve decided that I need to deliberately try to challenge my bladder and kidneys. They’ve been living the easy life too long. In order to beat the lethargy out of them boys, I’m trying to drink as much liquid as possible and only stop when I begin to suffer from hyperhydration.

The Smallest Hef

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Daytime Holiday Gluttony Has Begun

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12.14 002

Daily Digestion 12.12.6

An Apple.

I woke on the couch, again, with chunks of apple stuck between my gums and my upper molars. It is a miracle that the dentist didn’t find in cavities in my teeth last week when I went for my first clean in six years. (I’m very embarrassed to admit to that.)

Last night I chose to sleep on the sofa. As usual, Chris went to bed several hours before I did. I decided to go to bed around midnight after hours of studying. When I got to the bedroom, I touched his feet to let him know I was getting in bed but still allowing my face enough distance from the wingspan of his fist. Thankfully I was not greeted by domestic violence. Instead, he mumbled some incomprehensible statement that sounded like Russian and Japanese. What? And again, he repeated in the same foreign language. I tried to gentle nudge him awake a little. All I got in return was half English and half Russ-panese.

Where do you go when your source of protection and comfort is speaking in tongues? Out of fear, I left my demon possessed boyfriend in the bedroom and slept on the sofa. The next time the poltergeist emerges, I’m making him sleep on the couch.

Daily Digestion 12.11.6

I haven’t posted much about my NS-RED lately because it has been extremely dormant. I’ve had a couple occasions where I found energy bar wrappers scattered in the living room, but it is a far cry from my usual two to three episodes a night. Most mornings I wake to find myself on the sofa in the living room. I can only assume that sleeping Kelly is so exhausted from navigating all the boxes in her new surrounds that she collapses on the couch, only a few steps from her goal, the kitchen.

Though sleeping Kelly’s hibernation is odd, something more peculiar is taking place. Chris has developed parasomnia by proxy. Now, he’s always snored so loud that it cut through a 2 inch thick solid wood bedroom door, two loud air filter fans, and a television with surround sound, all at the same time, but he’s demonstrated some interesting behaviors since I moved in. First, he’s been eating in the night. He claims it was sleeping Chris, and then I point out that he a) remembers it, and b) doesn’t have a diagnosed condition. Secondly, he’s been talking in his sleep. Yesterday night he told me he was dreaming about Lindsey Lohan. The next morning I asked him about it, and he didn’t remember telling me. Finally, last night the indomitable went to bed at 8 (wimp). When my young, vibrant self got into bed at midnight, I accidentally bumped him, and he swung at me. Yep, Chris attempted to assault me. That’s a parasomnia if I ever heard of it. I’ve created a violent, Lindsey Lohan lovin’, midnight snacking, snoring Hef.

Would You Trust This Guy?

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It’s no wonder why I’m crying.

Christmas 83

Damn Youngins

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When I first saw this, I thought it was retarded to lock a fuse box. If the power goes out, you not only have to find the box in the gigantic academic building, but you also have to find the person on campus that has the key. I seriously doubt that person is on campus when I’m attending school from 6-9 p.m. However, Chris reminded me that most students on campus are 18-22 years old.

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