Ex(plantation)

“This wait is killing me!  I want to know. I hate not knowing.”

“Why don’t you test?”

“Because it was just yesterday. It doesn’t show up that quickly.”

“What? You can’t just pee on a stick right afterward?”

Engraved Wedding Bands, Collect All Three

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*photo by benfRank

When I ordered the indomitable’s wedding ring, I secretly had a message engraved on the inside. This special request made its arrival dangerously close to our wedding, but thankfully it appeared on my doorstep about a week before we said “I do.” I also managed to get him to try it on and make sure it fit without him noticing the presence of an inscription. Dying to show him, I immediately told him to look inside his ring as soon as we were officially married.

“Put…it…back…on. Hahah! What does yours say!?!”

“Nothing, honey. You didn’t have anything put inside mine.”

“Oh.”

Thinking for a Second

It’s very difficult to not let memories of the past cloud your present, especially when you’re divorced and remarried. My stepmother once told me how my father got upset with her when she wanted to grow extra large cucumbers in their garden. Apparently he and my mother once had an argument over cucumber sizes. I know that seems unreasonable, but it’s surprising to find what you’re sensitive about once you’ve been scorn.

Like many couples in a failing marriage, my ex-husband and I fought a lot. We didn’t know how to communicate unless our voices were above 100 decibels. I admit I was a very cold and detached in my first marriage. It was a natural place for me to retreat from his hateful words and spiteful actions. I lived eight hours from my family and no where to run when I needed to get away. I could only find a small level of solace in mentally and emotionally withdrawing from the situation. I’m very thankful that I found the strength to leave.

Unfortunately, I often find myself reacting the same way when the indomitable and I fight. It is normal for married folks to argue. In fact, if you never disagree with your spouse, you must not be communicating or sharing your true feelings. Everything is okay. (All parents and in-laws breathe a sigh of relief here.) However, it is really hard (underline really & hard) for me to remain open mentally and emotionally after so many years of shutting down to protect myself. The indomitable is a great guy-a wonderful guy-and when I turn away, it becomes so much harder to see that.

One advantage to the whole shitty-first-marriage-emotionally-scarred-crap is that you have a little better perspective. You know the value of apologizing, even when you don’t want to do it first. You also know how bad it could be and that this is far from it. And when you do fight, you know exactly how far you can go before you’ve taken it so far that you can’t go back.

Another Glimpse Into Motherhood

It’s 11pm, and the house is completely silent. For the past week and a half, this time slot has been filled with high pitch puppy cries. The kind that breaks your heart, annoyingly keeps you awake, and frustrates the hell out of you all at the same time. It may be a breakthrough. Despite this, I’m holding my breath, fearing that it may wake the tiny beast or interrupt the deafening quiet.

I’m A Hound Dog

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Six weeks into our marriage, the indomitable had to play the puppy card. In case you’re unfamiliar with the game of marital hearts, the puppy card is the only thing the beats the queen of raging baby fever.

The biological clock is an amazing thing, especially since I swore I’d never swell up like a blueberry just to endure hours upon hours of painful labor in order to parent a whining, screaming, pooping infant that would develop into a bratty teenager. No thanks. But then a good friend had a baby, and after I caught a whiff of the intoxicating baby aroma, I was a goner. I found myself constantly dreaming about having children. I would whimper to the indomitable about wanting babies. I thought he was a mean bully who wouldn’t knock me up. At first, when he suggested we’d do a “trial run” on a puppy, I was appalled. I couldn’t believe that he thought that a puppy would fulfill my yearnings to be a mother.

However, the boredom of being a housewife started to wear on me, and I eventually agreed with him. I did a little research on petfinder.com and found a litter of Australian Cattledog/Bluetick Coonhound mix puppies at the Williamson County Animal Control, and we stopped by last Friday to check them out. For some reason, the indomitable had thought that we wouldn’t end up with a dog after our first visit. I knew there was no way I could set eyes on puppies and not take one home.

Of the nine puppies, only two didn’t reflect their Bluetick ethnicity. Call me racist, but my deep hatred of the Tennessee Vols did not help my desire for a Bluetick. Lucy was the quieter of the two light colored pups, and when we took her to the visitation room and she licked my chin, I knew she was ours.

Lucy is a great puppy. She oscillates between napping on my lap and threatening the lives of her chew toys. I didn’t really anticipate the amount of pee puddles that I’ve had to clean and how often I’d have to scream “NO”. Lucy is definitely a test run for parenthood. I’ve had little to no time for housework or laundry. Unlike babies, the puppy can already walk and follow me room to room. There is also a limit on the extent of time we can spend away from the house since she has a small puppy bladder and does not wear a diaper.

Now, as I sit here watching her trying to eat the carpet, I’m so glad we got the puppy instead of a baby. However, as one of indomitable’s friends has told him, “At first, you are glad that you pulled the puppy card and that you delayed the baby. But it stops working over time, and you end up with a puppy and a baby.”

Lucy-051

It Sucks

Categories: Married Life | 1 Comment

Like all newlyweds, the indomitable and I have spent some time at customer service desks in stores returning wedding gifts. Unfortunately, we were unsuccessful in returning all the crystal vases and pitchers that we did not register for. Why anyone would believe newlyweds want that stuff, I don’t know. I’m convinced that these items are regifted until they reach a home, such as ours, where the last receivers cannot bring themselves to give something that useless. I don’t think I could look someone in the eye knowing that I had filled their closet with a worthless heavy crystal candy dish that resembles a 60’s ashtray.

We returned several Target items that we registered for, items that were worthy of keeping. However, momma needed some credit. I combined it with several Target gift cards that we received and bought this.


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That’s right. I bought a fancy, expensive Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s the one that is advertised by the guy with the snooty British accent. As he states, it does not loose suction, which is much different than the lazy bastard vacuum I got from my first wedding. And for the first time in my life, I’m actually using all the attachments. I still haven’t figured out what the round brushy thing is for, but I’ve used it.I do have one major complaint about the Dyson. I can’t stop using it. I’ve vacuumed at least three times a week since we’ve bought it, everywhere from the bedroom baseboards to the toilet. I’m almost willing to vacuum other people’s homes. Almost.

He’s My Murse

As posted, I was sick on my honeymoon. I can’t say that I was totally surprised. I woke up the day of the wedding with a tickle in my throat but managed to ignore it until the next day after all the out of town family members had left. Then it came on me like fog on the San Francisco Bay. I was out for four days in a cold medicine induced funk. The indomitable used this time to prove his husbandly value, nursing me back to health with chicken soup, cleaning the house, and doing the laundry. Further proving that fat angry men have a softer side, deep down underneath all their beard hair.

I finally came to on Thursday. Because of my ailment, we missed our original plan for the honeymoon. (Actually, the original plan was to go to Puerto Rico but I convinced the indomitable to buy our house the month before, thus killing the PR trip.) Instead we decided to go camping at the South Cumberland State Park, specifically the Stone Door campsite, located in Grundy County, Tennessee. It’s a large forested plateau with lots of hiking trails and secluded swimming holes. The Stone Door is actually a crack between two huge rocks that allow you to hike down to Savage Gulf.

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It’s beautiful and amazing. Unfortunately, we went on a rain day so pictures were limited. Also, I was a little hesitant to take my $1,000 camera hiking. As an unemployed person, I cherish my assets. Another important note to make was that the huge downpour made it very difficult to start a fire. Most of the wood was wet. Both the indomitable and I set out to find firewood. The indomitable, an experienced camper, brought back three pieces of firewood. I, the girl who has only camped at campsites with concrete flats for your tent and iron stoves, found about fifteen pieces. However, his lighting skills proved to be superior. I guess we made a good team. Just remember, though, I found and cut the wood. Without my wood, there would be no fire to light.

mr chris

The indomitable also took me to Greeter Falls. It’s a steep mile hike from the park’s parking lot and includes stairs, wooden steps, and a ladder. However, it is worth the intimidating journey. When you get to the bottom, you find a waterfall flowing into a large, deep pool and absolutely no one around. The indomitable and I took that time to wash our hair and hang out. Again, I didn’t take my camera. I’m just a wimp.

On the way to the park, we passed through the small hick town that was the boyhood home of the indomitable. I know it’s hard to imagine him as a child. You kind of expect him to pop out of the womb with a full beard, growling something about the Democratic party and ineptitudes of University professors. However, his mom reassures me that he was a child once. She’s a great lady, and I don’t think she would lie to me.

I got to see the barn that Mike, the indomitable father-in-law, built next to the old homestead. It was in this barn that Vicki, the indomitable mother-in-law, home schooled her two oldest children. However, not everyone in the town apparently knew that because one of the locals got concerned when someone called for Vicki, and the indomitable told them, “Momma’s asleep in the barn.”

barn

My final honeymoon picture is of an abandoned bus. I realize that these are common finds in redneck country. However, I find it a little funny that it was parked next to the barn. After all, the indomitable never rode a school bus.

bus